Monday, February 1, 2010

On Blame

As I look around my world with a writer’s curiosity, I cannot help but see an ugly expression of man’s lower qualities—shifting blame. It can be called by many names: pointing fingers, shirking, dodging, fudging, skirting; it is all the same thing, transferring the responsibility of your own actions onto someone or something else. When we do it in the realm of family and finances, it can lead us down a ruinous path. It also might be the most sublime and seductive character flaw a man can have. After all, it’s not your fault you have the flaw.

If you wholeheartedly agree and have consequently already started thinking of someone you know who fits the mold of a shirker (a family member or politician?), then you have missed the direction of my observation. We all know blame shifting is a moral quicksand, yet we still do it; this phenomenon is worth some thought. If it is quicksand, why are we all busy building sandcastles? Why is our collective lack of personal responsibility destroying our families and economy? I, sadly, can’t say I am different. Why do I dodge blame? Why don’t I take more responsibility for my own actions? We are like children pulling at loose strings, unaware that we are unraveling the very fabric of our society.

The biggest thread we unravel belongs to family. This has been on my mind lately because my wedding ring is about forty days old. I boldly got married in the age of no-fault divorces. The very name of these divorces implies shifting blame and not taking responsibility. In this case we shift the blame by saying there is no blame. What a dangerous idea. No one is held responsible for breaking the vows with which they bound themselves. I am not arguing for a world without divorce; however, the very ease with which we can break our covenant, our contract, our promise to each other might be related to the epidemic levels of divorce we have in this nation. Think for moment of your friends who have been through a divorce and the sad results. I know only a small handful of friends who have benefited from divorce; for the majority it is a painful, bitter experience. Maybe we should rethink what responsibility means in marriage.

Another area where responsibility is shirked is in the realm of money. Unless you have been studying earthworm burrowing patterns in Mongolia for the last few years, you are probably aware of the economic crisis we face as a nation. Everyone is quick to point the finger at the cause; few are quick to say they are at fault. I am amazed at how many times I have heard someone say, “The bank sold me a house I could not afford.” What an astounding statement. Why is it not, “I bought a house I could not afford,” or, “I bought a new car I could not afford,” or, “I bought a plasma TV I could not afford”? Our economy is a house of cards built on debt. We act surprised at a collapse in order to make it easier in shifting the blame away from our own spending habits. We look to blame the banks because they do have mistakes they need to be held accountable for. Unfortunately, while blaming the banks might improve our banking system, it will do nothing to improve our own economic happiness. Blaming others will not help us pay a single bill or stop that next frivolous credit card purchase.

This was very true in my own life. At the age of twenty-seven, I had sixteen thousands dollars of debt to my name and not much else. My money and my future were not my own; they belonged to my debt. As much as I wanted to marry my girlfriend, I could not. I had no means to do so. All the blaming in the world would not get me any closer to my goal. My family and my economics both suffered until I took responsibility for my actions. There was no one left to blame but myself.

My story has a happy ending; I got a job overseas, paid off my debt, and married my girlfriend by the age of twenty-nine. I now have close to three thousand dollars in a savings account and am going to school full time—yet my story is not over.

As I come to a close, I realize I wrote this as much for myself as for any reader. Maybe that is part of the solution. Maybe we need to reflect on ourselves more than on others. Maybe we should be concerned more with the outcome of our own actions then with finding ways to blame others. If my marriage is to avoid divorce, and my finances to remain healthy, I must stand diligently vigilant against the easy path of seeking others to blame for my choices. I find no greater solution then, “It is my fault.”

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